The Fifth Column: Don’t Delay, Order Today

I’m not the soundest of sleepers to begin with, but I was lying awake that night because I’d forgotten to refrigerate my Chillow. I thought it might have a leak.

So I got out of bed. It was chilly, so I wrapped up in my new Wild Side Zebra Snuggie. I suppose it was a bit of a luxury to buy another one so soon, but shipping and handling was only $12.99. Besides, that old lime green Snuggie was so 2008.

Don’t even get me started on the Slanket. I actually found one of those in my closet the other day while I was rearranging Wonder Hangers. Yes, it was wrinkle free and easy to get to – but it was no Snuggie.

I thought about a quick session with my Touch 'N' Brush, but since nobody but the dog was going to be up – and obviously he was going to have worse breath than me – I let it ride.

The first thing I did was put the dog out. He is of that overly-domesticated variety that believes the outdoors is for lesser animals, but I wanted him out of my way while I cleaned up. When I checked on him a while later, he was shuffling around in the dark, panting and eating grass. Priming the pump for round two, I thought.

As for the cleanup itself, I won’t disgust you with the disgusting details, other than to make it very clear that it was, by anyone’s standards, disgusting.

But how to approach the problem? We were fresh out of Zorbeez, and I didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good Shamwow on this disgusting job. Yes, I know that Shamwows remove cola, coffee, wine and pet stains. But I just couldn’t see washing my car or cleaning the kitchen table with the same Shamwow that I used to clean this disgusting patch of carpet, even if they are machine washable and bleachable.

I mean, this was disgusting.

So, step one involved an awful lot of paper towels. One for the actual clean up, and three or four more to protect my hand from the first one. Repeat several times and then the whole disgusting mess straight into a plastic trash bag, which I tied shut with a double knot and vowed to bury in a very deep whole in the back yard.

After a quick breather, I attacked the area with wet paper towels. I’m not sure why I went dry and then wet, but the person who usually handles these things mumbled the directions to me from what looked like a very comfortable sleep. Who am I to question?

Then it was on to the actual cleaning. I knew just what I needed: Carbona 2-in-1 Oxy-Powered Carpet Cleaner. I adhere strictly to Billy Mays’ Third Theorem of Pseudochemistry: if it has Oxy- in the name, it must be good.

It was supposed to be in my special drawer, the one where I keep my Bedazzler, my spare Jupiter Jack, my Mighty Putty, my Hercules Hooks, my Ding King, my Buxton Cell Phone Wallet, my Furniture Repair Markers, my Touch 'N' Brush, my Window Energy Film, my Fix It! and my cuff links.

But it wasn’t there. Nobody around here ever puts anything back when they’re done with it. Instead, I found it under the kitchen sink, between my Quick Chop and my Rotato Express.

Why on earth would anyone think it belonged there? What’s next – an Awesome Auger in the broom closet?

But once I found it, it did the job. The secret is in the brush. I gave the carpet a quick spritz of What Odor? – Urine Gone just wasn’t called for this time – and I was done.

I know I should have run the Swivel Sweeper G2 through the entire room, of course, but I didn’t want to wake everybody up. It would have to wait until morning.

By now it was 4 a.m. and I was wide awake. What to do? I was in no mood to work out at that time of night, no matter how seductively my Iron Gym Pull Up Bar and the new Forearm Forklift called my name. I’d used up the last of the Mighty Mendit on a pair of previously cutoff jeans before going to bed, and was in no mood to set up the Driveway Patrol or the Shed Ender in the dark. So, to the couch.

Weird thing: even with hundreds of stations available on my satellite service, there’s really nothing on television except infomercials at 4 a.m.

When I lived in Harrisonburg, there was nothing on TV after 12:30 a.m. – literally nothing but static – except one channel that carried Jim and Tammy Faye. They were entertaining, but I was always a bit confused about what it was they were trying to sell. Apparently, it was a faulty product. I remember reading about some of their legal entanglements over the years.

I’ve heard that the Shamwow guy ran into some trouble, too. Something about a brawl with a lady friend in a Miami Beach hotel room. And poor old Billy Mays came to the end of his pitchman days in Tampa earlier this year. He died in his sleep. How ironic is that?

As long as I was up anyway, I decided to order myself a new Chillow as a reward for my hard night’s work. At the nice operator’s suggestion, I got the dog a Canine Cooler, too. He’d had a tough night, and some of the new colors are terrific.

Oh, I worried about paying for it at first. Times are tough. But then I remembered Cash4Gold. After all, with gold at an all-time high, now’s the time to send your unwanted gold for cash.